Category: Motivation

The Certainties of Life, Day F$%kin’ Two…

Well, here we are… Back in Northern New Brunswick and I made it in one piece, albeit not without the fates throwing a few monkey wrenches into the mix. My first flight left Regina without incident and saw me experience a mix of difficulty staying awake (I usually can’t fall asleep on planes) and watching some downloaded movies on my iPad. While the flight itself was uneventful and I even lucked out and had the seat between myself and the other passenger vacant, it was what came next that chose to challenge the very limits of my ability to maintain my calm.

Walking through the Toronto Pearson International Airport is a bit of a surreal experience. A major travel hub for people from across the world into Canada, it’s ALWAYS packed, ALWAYS busy and people seem to lose the very little semblance of common sense they may have had. It blows my mind how people can be in such a rush but have no concept of situational awareness or what’s in front of them. I literally had a lady walking next to me, who… you know when you have someone who’s going JUST slow enough that you can’t overtake them but they’re still going to slow to be behind? Yeah. That. I was right next to her, keeping pace and I was very obviously in plain view but yet she suddenly darted in front of me to cut across. I wasn’t able to stop my next step in time and my foot essentially swept both her legs and very nearly sent her hurdling to the floor. She was pretty indignant until I told her to either watch where she was going or to step BEHIND the person she would bypass.

I had a 3-hour layover in Toronto that saw me enjoy an overpriced meal before finding someplace to hunker down to wait for my next flight. Considering good ol’ PSTD and my general propensity to dislike large crowds, I was NOT in my element. I got an email while I was waiting that said that there were expected high winds at my landing point in New Brunswick and that it may affect the availability of a landing site. IN a bit of a panic, I started brainstorming the possibilities. If I rented a car right then and there, it would take 12 hours to drive to New Brunswick from Toronto. Not very feasible, considering how exhausted I already was. But luckily, my flight boarded without incident. The fight itself was uneventful and I even found myself falling asleep for a bout half an hour, a testament to just bow very tired I in fact was.

When we were on final approach for Moncton, New Brunswick, the winds started to rock the plane to a concern degree. I swear, it was something that I had only seen in the movies. The wings kept flopping back and forth, to the point where a couple of times we almost touch the tree line. When we finally touched down, we did so at an angle that saw the plane buck and right itself in a violent jerking motion that had everyone in the cabin scream and question whether they would be walking off or being carted off. All’s well that ended well, I guess. But it was an experience I could have done without. I made my way down the airport corridor to the car rental kiosk and began the annoying process of checking out the rental IO would be using for the days that followed. While there, I noted a lady speaking with the other rep. She was obviously a bit panicked and was in a situation.

Turns out she had landed about 45 minutes before I had and had missed the passenger bus that would carry her north, She had to make her way home to her elderly parents because she would be placing her father into a care home tomorrow. Sound familiar? If my heart hadn’t already been going out to her, it beat extra strong when she mentioned she needed to get to the North shore; the very area that I was traveling to. When asked, she mentioned she needed to get to Charlo, which is literally along the way to Dalhousie/Campbellton. I offered to give her a ride, which she gratefully accepted. We piled into my rented Nissan Sentra and took to the open road.

Typically, I prefer to travel alone than with people, with the exception of my wife, of course, And traveling with strangers is almost a definite no-no. It’s awkward, people have different taste in music, difference in climate needs, etc. But this lady was a class act and became quite welcome in the vehicle. We had good conversation and discussed a variety of topics, including but not limited to education, child care, the state of the country and our preferred scenic spots along the North shore. After being awake since 2 am, it was a welcomed distraction that helped keep me awake and steady on the road, given my level of fatigue. I got her to her parents’ home in Charlottesville just shortly after 8 pm. She was grateful, especially after I refused to any offer of compensation and I drove away feeling good that I had helped someone from back home. A positive spin on an otherwise negative trip.

I got to my hotel shortly after 9 pm. Now folks, the internet being what it is, I never quite know how far reaching my posts can get, although I am aware there are folks in India and Orient who have read my posts but my main concern is naming a business where there’s the potential they may get pissed and sue me for my comments. So forgive me for keeping the name of the hotel to myself but it feels like something out of a B-horror film. I did try to book the most inexpensive room I could find in the interest of saving as much money as I could, but this is ridiculous. The last time I saw a sleeping space this sparse and without amenities was when I lived in the dormitories at Depot! But at least the floors and the bed are clean and the shower was hot with decent pressure. Although the skinny sliver of soap they provided wouldn’t wash an infant, much less a 200-pound man.

If I sound a little bit negative and on the cranky side, it’s likely because this morning I get to storm the local hospital and try to access my father. Considering the health region in this area is a little weird with accessing people, I don’t know what challenge I’m in for or even what I’ll find once I access him. I suppose I should look on the bright side. I made it here safely, I have a warm place to sleep and I’ll also get to see my mother this morning, which will be nice. I haven’t seen her since I brought her to the care home to be placed as a resident. I’ll also have the opportunity to see Sensei this afternoon. So while it may have been a rushed trip for a generally negative reason, at least there will some positive aspects. And isn’t that the important thing to life in order to eliminate one’s personal suffering? Finding the positive? ☯️

The Certainties of Life, Day F#$kin’ One…

For those of you who have read my posts in the past, you likely recognize the fact that having “day 1” in the title signifies this will be a multi-day post and I am likely traveling. Well, right on both counts. They often say that nothing is certain life, I’m inclined to disagree with this concept. What binds us together as human beings is that the story of all our lives begins and ends in exactly the same way; a birth and a death. There’s no getting out of it or avoiding it. It is, much like the passage of time, inevitable. What makes each of us unique as human beings is how we fill the chapters of the story between those two certain events. But the mixture of certain and uncertain can lend what one could refer to as the spice of life. And it’s is the depth of my philosophical musings for 4 am in the morning.

My father has always been what I like to describe as an unlikely warrior. From the moment he met my mother, he stepped up and took responsibility in areas that others had abandoned or faltered. My best example of this is stepping up to be a father to my late brother, whose biological father was presumptuous enough to claim he couldn’t be positive the child was his. But my father never faltered in taking on responsibility for my brothers and treated him the same as if he’d conceived him. That’s just one example of how my father has always fought for and taken care of his family as a whole. Growing up, it became a routine thing that every few months, he would experience what he described as “back spasms,” which would include debilitating back pain.

Usually, this would involve three or four days of my father laid up in bed allowing his back to recover before returning to work. I used to actually cherish these times as I would not only help my father by tending to him and getting him whatever he needed but these were some of the times that we’d make our way through Star Trek movies, have deep conversations about life and I would share my perspectives on life while gaining the wisdom of his. Often in life, it can be difficult to recognize a silver lining, even when one is staring you in the face. 1980’s medicine being the wonderfully ineffective thing that it was, there was never a diagnosis for this back pain. He simply had to grin and bear it, as it were.

It wouldn’t be until the early 2010’s that his condition would worsen to a point where he and my mother made the decision to have him housed in a care home. My father is a rather large man, sitting at well over 300 pounds, meaning my mother would be unable to care for him on a daily basis to the extent he needed. It wasn’t ideal but my mother moved into a small, one-bedroom apartment conveniently next door to the care home so she could see him and be with him on a daily basis. Having modernized a touch, medicine improved and we came to discover that my father had defects in his vertebrae and his spine is slowly degenerating. Nothing pleasant about as, you know, you need your fuckin’ spine to control EVERYTHING in your body.

There have been some rough patches through the years but my father is a war horse who refuses to go down. Stubborn and almost constantly angry, he muddles through life while overcoming any obstacle that he encounters. Damn, I wonder why that sounds so familiar…? But I digress… A few days ago, I received word that my father had been brought to the hospital by ambulance because he was having difficulty breathing. While not entirely unusual, a couple of days later I would be updated that he’s been placed in the ICU and intubated. In true hospital style and one of the biggest frustrations with living on the other side of the country, is that I don’t have immediate access to people and it’s far easier for them to decline to provide information over the phone than in person. So this morning, I’m casually sitting in the Regina Airport awaiting a long day’s flight to make my way back to New Brunswick, once again NOT for vacation or pleasure but to take care of family matters.

It stands to reason that with a couple of hours to kill, I’m going to write a post. Why not, right? I always make a point of getting to the airport a couple of hours ahead of boarding. Over the years, I’ve come to accept the necessity of this, even it poses some inconvenience. Traveling as a Type-1 Diabetic can have its share of challenges. Considering I travel with various liquids, medications and needles, there always the potential for issues through checkpoints. Given that I wear an insulin pump, I avoid going through scanning devices, since depending on the type of device, it can damage the pump and/or render the insulin inert. Neither one is a good scenario.I forget what the reasoning is behind this, but I’ve been warned on multiple occasions to simply avoid it so that there would be no issues.

My alarm woke me at 2 am, which could be manageable if I hadn’t of fallen asleep at 9:30 and woken every hour on the hour to use the washroom and stress about the trip. When I finally struck REM sleep shortly past midnight, the 2 am wake up call was NOT welcome. My scheduled cab showed up on time and without delay. My driver was intuitive enough to read my tone and recognized that it was too early for banter and chit chat. While I usually don’t mind a bit of conversation to pass the time during a drive, my pre-caffeinated soul had little room for it this morning. I hit the airport, got my boarding passes and made my way up to security. I decided to go a bit different this time around. I managed to fit several days’ clothes, insulin and pump supplies and my iPad into a military-style backpack I had recently purchased. By virtue of this, I will be traveling for four days with only one carry on and no baggage. One last stress to contend with.

My security bypass search was efficient and the man with the rubber gloves was surprisingly gentle. All kidding aside, I used to feel bad about pilling one of the security staff off their post for a pat down but I’ve come to learn that this is simply one of the pieces of being Diabetic. As it always does, it adds a layer of complication to an otherwise common and simple thing. Now, as I sit in a lobby, slowly becoming surrounded by strangers, I can’t help but wonder what I’ll be walking into when I get home. Home. Strange term for me now. Is Dalhousie, New Brunswick truly still my home? This will be the first time I travel out where my mother no longer has hearth and home to receive me. I’ll be completely on my own. Visiting the area like some tourist. As my father is likely to be unconscious from the intubation, I likely won’t be able to communicate with him. The important part will be speaking with his doctor to determine what’s actually happening and exactly how long this trip will end up being.

A strange thing, life. We go through our childhood never contemplating death and adulthood. It’s one of the things that makes childhood the best part of one’s life. Unless you spent most of it being sick like my brother and I did. But as an adult, I’ve come to make my peace with the fact that I’m in a nexus of sorts. I’m at the point in my existence where life is beginning to take away at LEAST as much as it gives. There may still be plenty of good things coming in life. One must remain optimistic. But there are certainly some big losses coming. Such is life. That final chapter comes to us all. Food for thought… I’ll be writing and updating in the days to come so stay tunes. ☯️

Not Just For The Movies…

I don’t generally tend to comment on things, even when it relates to something specific that I have some knowledge about. There’s never been any real value in doing so, since it usually just results in an online argument with someone far less knowledgeable who’s always willing to actively pick a fight with another person from behind the relative safety of their laptop screen. Plus, when someone believes something, it’s usually very difficult to convince them otherwise.

I don’t often get negative comments on my blog posts but everything before now and again I’ll get someone on their soap box who seems intent on picking a fight. A notable example was a few years ago when I wrote a post about proteins and the consumption of meat, only to have some die-hard vegetarian basically denigrate the entire post, accuse me of following pseudo-science and claiming I was spreading false information. In case any one of you were wondering, this is one of the driving reasons why I always include a disclaimer that I’m not a doctor in any of my health or quasi-medical posts. Bu8t I digress…

The point behind bringing this up is because I follow a number of pages online dedicated to martial arts and more specifically, karate. And it absolutely kills me when I read the number of inaccuracy’s comments made by individuals who have likely never even studied martial arts. By virtue of this and through this lens, I’d like to provide my list of most common misconceptions surrounding karate that I’ve noted over the decades.

  1. That’s a waste of time because you’d never do that in a real fight.
    I have a real problem with this kind of statement. While I can’t speak for every style, as I haven’t studied every style, nothing is wasted in karate. Every stance, every move, every strike and every technique is one piece of a significantly larger, overall puzzle that creates the muscle memory required to effectively defend yourself, should the need arise. When you see someone perform a kick straight up above their heads, the intention shouldn’t be to think “when would you ever kick someone like that?” Instead, you should consider that if the practitioner stretches and trains to kick perfectly at that height and level, it will be scores easier and more effective to perform the kick at a normal level. As I mentioned, nothing is wasted. Even if it only looks pretty and you may not use that specific technique in actual combat, it still serves a training and development purpose.
  2. Fights can go on indefinitely.
    Hmm, that a big fuckin’ no… Look, I’m a big fan of martial arts movies (normally) and I enjoy watching them as much as the next guy but real talk, here. That big fight climax at the end of the movie where the two fighters go head to head for 30 minutes or more without stopping is categorically impossible. Anyone who has ever been in a real fight will tell you that the average run time for a real fight is about two or three minutes. And karate is no exception. The amount of energy and effort it takes not only to deliver effective strikes but to block incoming attacks will have your lungs seize and your muscles go lactic after a number of minutes. Setting aside for a moment that these fight portrayals include either of the fighters taking several strikes to the head and body and yet they seem to keep fighting without interruption.
  3. Karate Doesn’t Work In Real Life/That Only Works in the Movies.
    I saved what is argumentatively not the best but the most important, for last. I’ve been fortunate to have never been severely injured during the course of my life but I have to admit that I’ve used karate A LOT! Either in the context of defending myself personally, defending others or in the course of my quasi-lengthy policing career, karate has saved my bacon (please hold all “pig” jokes) on more occasions than I can count. I’ve most often heard the argument that karate can’t stack up against other forms of “sport” combat like MMA. While I’ve never been a big fan of MMA, I’ve held a respect for it, as I would never see myself willingly sacrificing my body in that way. However, the concept of two willing participants rolling around and sweating on each other in biker shorts doesn’t quite appeal to me and doesn’t quite apply in the same self-defence context as karate would. But I digress… The bottom line is simply this: While form, karate and typically repetitive techniques may seem soft and ineffective and while one may not understand the dynamics of muscle memory and why it would help and certainly apply in a real-world context, I can confirm without any shadow of a doubt, that karate does in fact work as a martial art and a self-defence tool. I have my continued existence as proof.

That’s it for now, folks. A bit lengthy and a bit of a soap box post, but such is the way of it sometimes. The important thing to remember is not to believe everything you see in the movies but also don’t assume that martial arts doesn’t work. If anyone needs any further proof, I’m always looking for someone to train with. I’d be more than happy to share my knowledge. ☯️

The Sedentary Seduction…

It’s no secret that the pandemic changed the world in a very measurable and noticeable way. Between distancing rules, effects on peoples’ jobs and finances and the fact that everyone STILL hasn’t recovered rom everything just goes to show how much of an impact COVID-19 has had on the world. One of the most interesting results of the pandemic is remote work. All of sudden, people had to work from home for the first time. And for the most part, it was mostly positive. Peoples’ productivity increased (in most cases), absenteeism lowered and it was realized that a significant portion of the working world could still perform their jobs from the comfort of their homes with very little issue. Oh, there are plenty of employers who fought this and imposed conditions and restrictions, most with very little success. And to be clear, there are obviously some jobs that can’t be done remotely.

From my perspective, working from home is problematic at best. My bloody ADHD makes it extremely difficult to focus at the best of times but trying to do it from home is even worse. I’ll be working on something work related then think “I should start a load of laundry while I’m here…” or grab some lunch in my kitchen and think “Maybe I should get these dishes done while I’m at it…” And before you know it, I’m burning through the work day on stuff that should be done after hours. Another issue is my son. I’m blessed with a red-headed 5-year old son who, once he realizes that I’m actually home, clings to my hip, making it difficult to properly sit through meetings or get any measurable work done. I absolutely adore my son but the added stress of trying to get work done as opposed to playing with him and accepting his hugs makes going into the office important. Plus, working from a small laptop screen as opposed to two large, tandem screens isn’t ideal.

About two weeks ago, I developed a bit of problematic cough. Typically this wouldn’t be a concern. After all, I tend to get sick at the drop of a hat, given I have Type-1 Diabetes. It’s not unusual during the winter months for me to catch a cold and/or get sick at least three or four times. But after a number of days and realizing the cough wasn’t subsiding, I started to realize it may be something more. Last year around this time, I developed a lung infection that progressed to bronchitis. A round of steroids, antibiotics and using an inhaler for the first time in my life, coupled with about two months of lost time hacking and throwing up FROM my lungs (yes, you read that right). One can’t throw up directly from the lungs, of course, since they’re not set up to expel like the stomach. But coughing hard enough can trigger vomiting.

How does this relate to the remote work aspect? I promise I’m getting there… For almost two weeks now, I’ve been mostly working from home. It couldn’t be avoided, as most office staff don’t appreciate their boss hacking and coughing all over the bloody place. And whether I have something contagious or not, it still doesn’t alleviate the anxiety of having someone ill within one’s midsts. So, with the inclusion of a second large screen at home, I’ve been on meds and recovering while working remotely. And I’ve come to realize that the modern world basically allows for one to live entirely from the comfort of one’s home without ever having to step foot outside. I’m not saying I want that, am into that or enjoy that but it’s a realization nonetheless.

Need groceries? Order them online and have them delivered? Prescriptions? Same thing; most modern pharmacies have a delivery service. Anything you could possibly want to purchase can be bought online and delivered right to one’s door. Even one’s banking and finances can be accomplished online. Of course, this brings a significant amount of risk that is lessened by performing these tasks in person. Being delivered the wrong goods, being incorrectly charged, being defrauded by online scammers… The list goes on. But as long as your careful and do things right, one could potentially live out their days from the comfort of their home without ever having to leave. Provided your job allows you to work remotely on a permanent basis.

There is a certain allure to this concept and some of the positives could almost make it worth it. As long as there are no outlying factors at play, you could save significant cost by not owning a vehicle, which requires gas, insurance and registration overhead. Grocery shopping becomes about what you need instead of walking the aisles and grabbing impulse buys that you didn’t go in for. The same can be said for any retail location or business you may walk into. However, one could argue that home utility costs may be a bit higher, since you are running power and utilities throughout the work day instead of being in an office. I’m not sure which of those options would cost more on a month-to-month basis, but it’s a consideration.

Now, I’m not saying this is what I want to do. My specific job wouldn’t allow me to work remotely on an indefinite basis anyway. All I’m saying is that for one who is well-positioned to do so, one could enjoy their years from the comfort of their home without ever having to leave. With everything purchased online and delivered, one could find themselves in a position where they wouldn’t have to leave unless they wanted to. And from a very small, silent corner of my brain, the concept is appealing. And who knows? By the time I retire, that just might be how I spend my final years. Just chilling inside my home, binge-watching Star Trek movies and smoking cogars in my backyard. Time will certainly tell… ☯️

Remembering to Appreciate…

Sometimes it’s easy to take things for granted. Even when they’re essentially life saving or life maintaining. I was diagnosed with type-1 Diabetes when I was 4 years old. That means I’ve been managing and living with this condition for over 40 years! I’d say time flies when you’re having fun but very little of it has been fun. I remember as a child, all of my Diabetes therapy was tedious, annoying and usually got in my way. Kids are usually busy and have things to do, so having to stop several times a day to test my blood or treat a low was annoying to me.

I didn’t understand or realize how important those steps were as a child. Or how very fortunate I was that there was even a therapy that could allow me to live with my condition. Not everyone is so lucky. These days, I’m often blown away by how far I’ve come, considering many if not most people with my condition tend to deteriorate after a few decades and often end up with organ failure, amputations and blindness. Granted, a lot of my good fortune comes from the effort I’ve put into my self care. This includes proper nutrition and fitness habits, the latter of which I admit I haven’t done so well with in recent months.

I saw a post a few days ago about the first use of insulin on patients, which occurred in January of 1922 in Toronto. I’ve often written about things like the fact I wouldn’t survive a zombie apocalypse because once I’d run out of insulin, it would be game over. Ten days is the basic standard, without any insulin therapy. Once you’ve reached that point, you generally slip into a coma and die shortly thereafter. But reading about how Frederick Banting visited a coma ward and injected a young, comatose patient who awoke about a day later and whose blood sugars started to regulate, reminded me of just how fortunate I am indeed.

Considering that until the 1920’s, Type-1 Diabetes was effectively a death sentence for children, it was a discovery that changed the world. It was made all the better with the fact that they sold the patent for a dollar so that the whole world would have access to insulin. I can’t imagine how things would be different if they took the monetary approach and sought to get rich off their discovery instead. In a series of unlikely events that took place decades before I was born, my health and longevity was secured by individuals I’ve never met and will never get to thank.

That’s why I consider it so important to be grateful for the options I have. If I had lived in the early 1900’s, I likely would have died. So on the days where it feels like a pain in the ass to test my blood, take medication or change up a glucose sensor, I remind myself that while it would be far better for my life if I was Diabetic at all, these things are keeping me alive and healthy. And it’s impossible to put a price on that. Food for thought… ☯️

Resolutions Aren’t Meant For Once A Year…

Well, here it is, folks! The last day 0f 2024. As my day dwindles on, I’m found thinking back on the past year and the things I’ve experienced, the things I’ve accomplished and the things I’ve wished for. I’ve had some happy times, some less than happy times and times when I wondered what it was actually all about. For most people, the New Year holiday represents a new start, a fresh beginning and a time to make resolutions for a better year. For me, it’s just another Wednesday. And here’s why…

When New Year’s Day hits, it’s usually the time when most people decide on resolutions to change the overall tone of their lives. These resolutions come in many forms. While some of the most common ones include things like more exercise, dieting or cutting out vices like alcohol or gambling, some can be on the more wholesome side, like reading more books, spending more time outdoors or doing at least one new thing every week. While all of this is totally well and good, the statistical majority of people who enter into a New Year’s resolution will typically give up and/or falter in their resolution within a few months. If they last that long.

This begs the question: why bother? This failure is a known fact to most people and yet, most people will still start the New Year off with, “This year, I will…” While it may sound strange coming from me, being the guy who usually promotes having goals and achieving them, I can’t help but think that perhaps a single day of the year set out as a holiday is NOT the best time to be making commitments to something else. And one shouldn’t wait UNTIL New Year’s to make said commitment. I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve heard say things like “oh, I’ll cut down on sweets in the New Year,” or “I’ll start getting fit in January as my New Year’s resolution.”

There are a lot of reasons why people give up or quit their resolutions within a few months. One reason is that the holidays are probably the worst time for the year for people over-eating, drinking and lounging around watching Christmas movies and doing fuck all. It’s kind of hard to jump from that and go into a new diet or try to get yourself moving in any efficient way. Another reason, especially if your resolutions is fitness-oriented, is that it’s hard to hit the ground running in January, considering it’s usually followed by the coldest months of the year (at least here in Canada). The human body is at its lowest energy point and focusing solely on staying dry and warm. Sometimes, the drive to keep pushing physically just isn’t there.

Lastly, many people will drop their resolutions because they simply aren’t seeing results. The inherent problem with this is that fitness and health is an ongoing journey, not a destination. If your goal is to increase muscle or lose weight, it can take months or even years to achieve what you’re seeking. We live in a world of immediate gratification and most people don’t like to wait for things. So by March or April, people can become disillusioned with their goals and simply give up. Viewed through that lens, those folks should be grateful they don’t have Type-1 Diabetes; that shit never ends.

My point is, don’t wait until New Year’s to start improving upon yourself. Start today. The New Year is nothing. It’s not a “fresh” start. It isn’t the beginning of something new. It’s just another day. Simply another date on the calendar. Your life starts every day. THAT’s where your resolution begins. Not on a holiday, not as a special occasion but as a conscious decision to make the change. After all, life is like a book. We all know how the story begins and how it ends. It’s up to you how the chapters in between get written. Food for thought… Happy New Year. ☯️

Your Opinion Of Me Is None of My Business…

I saw something online recently that I really wish I had saved at the time, because it makes it really hard to shared a link or explain where I found something without doing so. But given how flighty I am at the best of times, sprinkled with a fine dust of ADHD and the occasional finger of whiskey thrown into the mix, it’s a surprise that I can write coherently at all. But yet here we are. The point is, I recently read a post somewhere that may or may not have been quoted from some celebrity, that read something to the tune of “what other people say about me is none of my business.”

This struck a pretty deep chord with me. Most of us spend so much time worrying about what other people may say or think about us, almost to the point where it becomes debilitating. Let’s look at a small example. When you’re about to leave the house in the morning to go run errands, the odds are good that you’ll grab a shower, put on deodorant, brush your hair and dress appropriately, not only to your local’S social standard but appropriate to the weather. While some of this makes sense for hygiene reasons, a lot of it is driven by societal expectations and how we feel people may perceive us.

We’re not just guilty of the phenomenon itself but also of encouraging it. Without even considering it, how many times have you been at a large retail location and seen someone and thought “holy fuck, they left the house that way???” while we tend to believe our thoughts are our own and are private, all it takes is a sideways glance or disgusted look to let that person know what those “private” thoughts may be. For the most part, this isn’t something we can prevent; we’re only human and we can guard our thoughts only so far. Although minding our thoughts is an important step in preventing further suffering on our own part. Jus’ sayin’…

The bigger challenge comes from letting go of what OTHERS may think or say about you. If you get word that one of your colleagues thinks you’re an absolute asshole, it’s likely to elicit an emotional response. The key takeaway is to ask oneself, does it really matter? What this other person thinks or says about you is not a reflection on who you are and shouldn’t alter how you view yourself. They’re free to have their own views and thoughts without it necessarily affecting you. Think, “I can only control my words, not how you interpret them” but in reverse.

What others’ opinion of you may be is none of your business. It won’t change your life, your situation and it shouldn’t affect your overall goals. And putting such things out of your mind is an important step towards eliminating self-suffering and being a happier, more fulfilled person. Food for thought… ☯️

Merry Christmas

Once again we’ve come to that time of year. There’s snow on the ground, a chill in the air and people take pride in decorating their homes, Christmas trees and laying gifts at their base. When I was a boy, the growing anticipation and excitement of Christmas was palpable. My mother would cook and bake up a storm. As the eldest daughter of seven siblings, Christmas was almost always hosted at our home. There would be the opening of “just one gift” on Christmas Eve. Because my mother’s side of the family were Catholic, we always had midnight mass. So I would usually struggle to stay awake klong enough to get through a church service. While I would have loved to have torn into gifts when we got home, it would usually be all I could manage to fall into bed.

The following morning would be a flood of food, family and raucous fun. I would get to see aunts, uncles and my grandparents. We would open presents, share cards and enjoy each other’s company. It was loud and tiring. Not in a bad way, mind you. But there was a measurable heat in the home, considering the number of people present. I’ve never been much of one for crowds, even as a child. By early afternoon, I would usually retreat to my room with my stash of presents to open and play with everything. It was always a glorious day. Some of my best memories include getting He-Man’s Castle Grayskull, my original Cabbage Patch Kid (I can’t remember his name) and even the first year I got the original Nintendo GameBoy when it came out in the early 90’s. I must have spent countless hours on Super Mario Land.

Life has changed for me significantly since those early Christmases. Gifts generally hold very little meaning for me, preferring a quiet day at home with my wife and sons. While I still observe the tradition of giving gifts for their sake, the value and the real gift for me is knowing I have a safe home, warm environment and a loving wife and sons that are tolerable. Kidding, they’re a’ight… But seriously, at some point one must come to realize the real value of life and what truly is a gift, is knowing that you never have to be alone (unless you want to). Sitting on the couch watching Home Alone or smelling some Christmas baking while knowing you can hug your toddler or talk video games with your oldest means far more to me than anything wrapped one could receive.

I’ve been lucky enough that I’m in a position in life that I could take the week off from work this week. Not everyone can be so lucky. yet another gift that means far more. Being able to stay home and engage in some self-care and spend further time with my wife is my real gift this year. Hopefully, y’all have something similar that make you just as rich as I am. Money and gifts mean nothing. It’s the people in my life, the ones who made me a husband, made me a father, that matter during Christmas. So to all of you out there, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and best wishes to you and your family, regardless of what traditions or holidays you may be celebrating during this time of year. Be safe, stay warm and remember what’s most important during this time of year. 🎄

Can Closure Be Too Little, Too Late?

What is closure? In the context I’ll be using it, closure refers to gaining a sense of peace, understanding and emotional release that comes from gaining understanding about certain events in our lives. For example, people will often get closure from having that after-breakup conversation with someone they were involved with. That’s only one example but it’s a pretty common one and serves to illustrate the point I’m getting at for today’s post. It stands to reason that closure can come in the most interesting ways at the most unexpected time.

Just a few short years ago, I had the opportunity to connect with someone from my past where I was able to discuss how much of a dick I was through my teen years. It would be decades before I would come to realize that many of the symptoms caused by Type-1 Diabetes was the root cause of most of the isues I caused for myself in my teens. This isn’t and shouldn’t be an all-encompassing excuse of course but it did lend itself to how I was almost universally in a bad mood and treated others poorly. I cost myself several friendships and relationships during my youth because I couldn’t reconcile my disease with proper management. But I’m glad I got closure on some of those issues and the people I’ve spoken to were gracious enough to show some undertanding.

From my side of things, there’s much closure I often feel I’m owed by many individuals who have wronged me over the years. In 2018, my career and my life took a left turn. The only thing worse than having someone wrong you in life, is having someone accuse you of something that puts your entire life in jeopardy. This is what happened to me, back in 2018. I found myself in an unfortunate set of circumstances that I would have never imagined being in. I won’t get into all the gritty details in this post but it did lead me to change the entire course of my life, my career and my view on others and how I’m treated by them. Let’s just say that all things considered, life is pretty good right now and I can’t exactly complain, but there’s a stain on my soul that may never heal as a result of what some others have done to me.

While I really want to tell the story and explain how I came about getting some closure on this issue, for reasons that should be understandable, I really shouldn’t be naming people or referring to specific situations. Not all of this is just MY story to tell. And it would be wrong of me to tell the part that isn’t mine. So I’ll stick to what I can say. Recently, I was out at a work event with everyone from the organization that I work at. It was a pretty good event and it included a tour for the entire staff of the venue we were in. As we were walking the site, we came around a corner that had a security guard kiosk and imagine my surprise at seeing one of the involved parties in the events of 2018 that altered my life forever.

I recognized him immediately, although I wasn’t very surprised at the fact that he didn’t recognize me. After all, it had been half a decade and I had a full face of facial hair whereas I would have been clean shaven back when he knew me. Once the group had cleared, I walked up and greeted him. He was taken aback when he realized who I was. The conversation was congenial enough, as we discussed where we were both explained where we were currently working and what had been happening in our respective lives since the events of 2018. It was a great conversation and I even got to introduce him to my current boss, given that the individual in question was indirectly my boss in my previous career.

As my group moved on to other sections of the site, he was peaking to others who weren’t part of my group, so I moved on. When the day was over and all my staff were leaving the site, I decided I wanted to seek out the individual so that I could shake his hand and say goodbye. When I found him doing his rounds, something happened that I wouldn’t have, and wasn’t expecting. He brought up the past and admitted that I got a raw deal. He explained that he felt I never should have had the accusations made against me and that the organization didn’t deal with it the way they could have. He told me that he always remembered and appreciated the way I came in to work my modified assignments with such enthusiasm and professionalism, there were days when he didn’t believe I was someone dealing with the situation I was in. He felt that other members should have followed my example.

These revelations hit me like a ton of bricks. While I agreed with everything he said, it shocked me to my core to hear him say it. Until that moment, no one from my previous career had admitted that I was treated badly or that the events in question shouldn’t have happened. I know that a lot of people would say that the words were too little, too late. That those things should have been brought up at the time in an effort to mitigate the damage caused to my life and my career. But for some reason, hearing this from him lifted a weight off my shoulders that I had become so accustomed to that I didn’t even know it was there. It was a very special kind of closure that I didn’t know I needed. And for that, I will be forever grateful to him.

Don’t be afraid to seek out that closure. Some of the bad periods of your life could be easily reconciled if you’re willing to seek the answer. Sometimes this might mean saying you’re sorry. Sometimes, it may simply mean giving others the opportunity to say they’re sorry. In any event, closure can be good. It shouldn’t be sold short. After all, whatever can be done to reduce the suffering in one’s life is good, right? Food for thought… ☯️

Expectations vs Reality

There are a lot of things that happen behind the scenes for someone with Type-1 Diabetes that the average person isn’t aware of. Much like seeing someone park in a handicap spot but yet walk with simple ease, an illness or disability isn’t always obvious to the naked eye. But without standing too high on my soapbox, my point is that there are a number of things that people tend to take for granted that almost seem like a rare treat to someone with Type-1 Diabetes. In this post, I’m going to examine the top ones that are important to me.

A Naked Shower
I should probably clarify that I’m naked for every shower that I take. This isn’t a high school changing room; I don’t shower in my clothes. That’s a story for another day. But what I mean is, having the ability to take a shower without needing to protect infusion sites or adhesive pads. Generally speaking, my insulin pump’s infusion sets are changed out every three days. This is because after three days, insulin begins to crystallize on the plastic based tubing and parts of the infusion set. This can result in an inaccurate delivery of insulin.

My continuous glucose monitor sensor gets changed out once a week. This is mainly because the interstitial fluid and the wound heals up enough that reading becomes difficult. In any event, with one of my cyborg parts replaced every three days and the other replaced every seven days, it’s usually an interesting challenge showering, since some of the adhesive patches will dry up and peel after a hot shower. The result is I usually have to maneuver and cover the injections sites and their coverings so that they get wet as little as possible. You ever try taking a normal shower while trying to keep any one area of your body dry? Not so easy…

Once in a while, an opportunity comes up where both insertions are due for replacement around roughly the same time. On those rare occasions, I get to take a nice, hot shower without any concern about protecting anything on the abdomen. I can effectively shower withy abandon, which one wouldn’t think is a big deal but when you can never do it, having the chance to just let the hot water wash over without concern is a definite treat that the average person takes for granted.

A Decent Night’s Sleep
First and foremost, I need to point out that proper sleep is always an issue for someone with Type-1 Diabetes, whether you wear a pump or not. Between fluctuating blood sugars, fluctuating blood pressure, circulatory issues that cause your arms and legs to go numb and restless as you sleep… The list goes on. Tack on my PTSD and the frequent repetitive nightmares and you’ve got a recipe for shitty nights. I have, on occasion, had the opportunity of sleep well throughout an entire night but these instances have almost always included some exterior assistance, like melatonin or a few fingers of whiskey.

Wearing an insulin pump presents its own unique set of challenges during sleep. While I always make a point to wear shorts or pyjama pants that have pockets, the pump will often slide out of the pocket during the night as I roll over. What’s worse is if I end up on TOP of the pump. This can be uncomfortable and even painful, especially if I roll over and the pump ends up in my tender bits. Y’all know what I’m referring to. Trying to remain perfectly still during sleep is effectively impossible, which means that under all circumstances, my pump will contribute to waking me up repeatedly throughout the night. So if you’re someone who gets a full night’s sleep, don’t take it for granted.

Eating With Abandon
Before the concept of pump technology and carb counting were brought to my attention, one of my favourite things was eating at a Chinese buffet. I’m one of those fuckers who loves the concept of the fried foods and flavoured sauces and dips that one can only enjoy through Asian cuisine. Nowadays, being mindful not only of what I eat but in what amounts can be challenging at best. Even when I read food labels and calculate based on the amount of carbohydrates they indicate, I hit some obstacles with lows, highs and miscalculations.

Eating out at a restaurant is usually the most challenging, because asking a server how grams of carbohydrates are in the meal you’re planning to order can be troublesome. While restaurant staff are generally expected to have some knowledge about the meals they serve, one must be realistic in just how deep that knowledge goes. It’s different if you’re having something defined, like a fast food burger, where you can usually check their website and get comprehensive nutritional information. But then when you incorporate something loose, like fries, rice or mashed potatoes, calculating the proper amount of carbohydrates and delivering the right amount of insulin is tough. What’s even tougher is if you estimate, then you can’t finish what you’ve bloused for.

Buffets are now an absolute waste of money for me, considering I can’t eat with abandon and have to moderate my portions and calculate insulin delivery. Even protein-based dishes are packed with carbohydrates at Asian buffets, considering everything is usually battered. While pumpkin therapy allows me to live easier with my meal choices (eating a slice of cake in my teens would have been completely out of the question), having the ability to eat whatever one wants whenever one wants without worrying about the consequences is definitively something any non-Diabetic shouldn’t take for granted.

SO, as you can see, there are many things that the average, every day person takes for granted that Type-1 Diabetics are dealing with behind the scenes. And this isn’t an all-inclusive list. People rarely see those aspects and simply assume that as long as we avoid sugar and take our insulin, the ship stays on course. Nothing could be farther from the truth. So if you have the ability to sleep properly, shower with abandon and relax and eat at your leisure, take the time to recognize how blessed you are. While I will always acknowledge that things could be much worse for me, all the little things y’all take for granted are often the things that any other person yearns for. Food for thought… ☯️