Category: Buddhism & Philosophy

I’m trying to keep these relatively short, both by virtue of the fact that when it’s for entertainment purposes and somewhat on the negative side, people aren’t all that invested in reading long posts. Plus, considering how late in the day it is in New Brunswick, I kind of missed the mark on drafting and posting this morning. That’s a bit of. A testament to how much is currently on my mind. But I said I’d keep this short and here I am, bantering on as though I have all the time in the world… let’s get to it!

Yesterday saw me spend some much-needed own time with myself. It was a particularly harsh day as I had the opportunity to spend some FaceTime with my dear aunt, who was here to take care of my mother prior to entering the care home. She shared a photo of my mother that she took that demonstrated the state she was in when my aunt arrived. I must confess that by virtue of having been a police officer, I’ve seen more than my fair share of deceased persons. If my brain didn’t logically know my mother was alive and well in the care home, I’d have sworn I was looking at a photo of a corpse. It was really that bad.

The emotional response and panic attack I felt at seeing my mother in this state was deep, and it was very closely followed by anger at once again realizing that someone, anyone, from over here should have looped me in a long time ago. Had my aunt not shown up and provided food, medications and basic cleaning needs, I have every belief that my mother would not have survived until my arrival. I would have been coming to bury her instead of visiting her.

After spending several hours with my parents yesterday, I tried to tidy up as many matters as I could, given that my departure is scheduled for tomorrow. I followed this up with a light supper… I’m kidding, I totally enjoyed a quarter-pound donair burger and it was fucking splendid! Then, I simply came back to the apartment, did up my final laundry followed by some very. Important FaceTime with my wife before unceremoniously falling into a fitful sleep.

This morning was decent, since they apparently didn’t start any renovation work upstairs. Or maybe they’re finished, who knows? All I do know is that I was able to actually sleep in until about 8:30, this morning. Woohoo, wild guy, right? I packed my last box for Canada Post and sent it off to Saskatchewan, then travelled up to Campbellton for breakfast. My afternoon has been spent putting my clothing away and packing it, as well as labelling some travel tags for the suitcases I know have to bring with me,

I’ll be headed to see my parents shortly, which will perhaps be a bit of a tough conversation. From their perspective, I’ve only just arrived. Tonight, I get to visit with Sensei for a bit. That should be a good time. I haven’t seen him in a few years as I wasn’t able to meet up with him when we travelled down in 2022. A pint and some good conversaction about the old days will be just what the doctor ordered.

Tomorrow morning, I get to rise at about 4 in the morning so that I can pack the car and hit the road to reach Moncton for an 11:30 am flight. I may have the opportunity to cross paths with my Aunt, who will be in Moncton for an appointment she has. Then, I get to begin the long, all-day trek back to Regina where I will finally see my wife and kids after being away for well over a week. This is the longest I’ve been away from them in, well… a really long time, if not ever. It was nice to “come home,” albeit for some pretty piss-poor emotional reasons. It will be even better to finally GO home. ☯️

Alright, so just a short little update this morning since y’all are probably starting to get a bit tired of the doom and gloom posts and likely aren’t reading all of these, anymore. So, in true form of finding balance in all things, I”ll provide just a short update on the positives I experienced yesterday.

The first started with launch and a couple of hours of catching up with Guillaume, Sensei’s son. He and I basically grew up together as best friends and brothers and are both black belts under his father’s teachings. We’ve always been close but as time has passed, life has progressed and with both of us building a family, finding the time and means to get together can be difficult. Especially since we basically live on opposite ends of the country from one another. You may remember him, he’s the one kicking me in the face in the following photograph…

Any way, we started with a solid lunch at a burger place called Classic Burger in a little town called Bathurst. IT was nice and we shared a few laughs. After several years, I finally got to see his house, which he essentially built from scratch. We reminisced and laughed over old times and caught up on new times. IT was a good way to start off the day.

My evening involved joining a couple of old friends and shooting a few games of pool. I hadn’t been in the pool hall in Campbellton in almost fifteen years. What’s more is, I got to enjoy a couple of bottles of a beer called Alpine, which they don’t sell out west where I live. My friend Ricky and I trained at karate together and have known each other for years. And we both have the same sense of humour, which made things interesting,

It was great to get a few games in and have a pint, kick back and relax a bit, especially after everything I’ve been trying to settle up and deal with for my folks. I was reminded by someone that there’s nothing wrong and I shouldn’t feel guilty about taking some time for myself to recharge my batteries and I should feel guilty about doing so. The evening went well and I even had the chance to FaceTime briefly with my wife, which ended my evening perfectly.

In 48 hours, I”ll be boarding a flight to head home. Although it’s felt as though it’s been dragging, a part of me feels the week has flown by and I could have accomplished far more, had I stayed longer. That being said, today is a new day and I have plenty of hours to try and get things done. Time to get at it. ☯️

As the days have come and gone, I’ve started to get and place several pieces of the puzzle, outlining my mother’s decline and her loss of mental faculties. It seems as though her ability to remain independent may have come on quickly, but her overall decline had been observable and noted by others for months. I find it more than a bit frustrating, given the nature of the “community” within my mother’s apartment complex, that no one thought of looping in her only son. But I digress,,,

Today marks my fifth day away from home, which is five days too many. I’ve been blessed with family members who have gone above and beyond to help my mother and I don’t believe I would honestly be able to get everything done in the week that I’m here, so thank the light for them. My uncle Danny has been an absolute God-send, and I’ve spent most of my evenings in his home where he and my aunt have provided hot meals during my stay.

Probably the most difficult aspect of this week has been all the questions. How’s your mom doing? How is she faring? How are you handling it? I feel like I’ve had to explain the story more times than I care to count and the questions keep on coming. I’m deeply tempted to put out a flyer so people can grab one and read it at their leisure. On the positive side, this clearly demonstrates to me how well-known my mother is and how much everyone cares and is concerned for her. Once again, I just wish I could have been looped in sooner.

It’s one of those things where there likely wouldn’t have been anything I could do but that wouldn’t have stopped me from trying. It’s still my parents, you know? I want to be home so bad right now but at the same time, I’m afraid for the attention and assistance my parents may get, or lack thereof, once I’m gone.Among the many tasks I have set before me today, the day will take something of a karate theme. This morning, I get to travel to the next town over to have lunch with Sensei’s son, a dear old friend who is more like a brother than a buddy. I haven’t seem him in a couple of years. This evening will see me letting my hair down (proverbially-speaking) and joining my old friend Ricky for a few games of pool and a pint.

As with all things in life, there must be a balance. Despite the negative tinge this whole situation has, it’s been wonderful to just see my parents and sit with them. I’ve already seen a couple of old friends, which has been nice, and there are more to come. Friday, I’ll actually get to see Sensei, which will be good as I missed him when we travelled here last year. All in all, I’m taking advantage of the situation to revisit some old haunts and relive old memories. Not all who wander are lost, after all. ☯️

Yesterday went by in a blur of meetings, phone calls and arrangements for my mother, to the point where I didn’t even have time to stop in and see my parents before the evening set in. IT was a brutal but productive day and I got a lot of things done. I won’t bore you all with those details other than to say I accomplished quite a bit. Some of the residents in my mother’s apartment complex partook of some of the kitchen wares I was panting and the one lady showed her gratitude by giving me a few cans of “beer” that she still had in her fridge from when her husband was still alive. I use the quotation marks because out of the four cans she gave me, none of them were actually beer! But I graciously accepted.

This morning saw me wake up for the day and meet up with an old friend from high school for brunch. We ate a meal, reminisced about old times and old friends… It was the first pleasant moment I’ve had since getting here, other than Facetiming with my wife, last night. This morning, as I was driving to brunch, I was a bit early and took advantage to drive across the Eel River Bar. My home town is one of those strange places that has so much visual beauty, yet I never appreciated it or realized it during my years living here, It’s one of those strange phenomenons where you need to leave and come back to realize what you had access to, every day of your youth.

The air was cold and crisp, with hints of winter on the air. The waters were calm and the scenery was beautiful It would almost be a calming experience, if my ADHD brain wouldn’t remind me every five seconds why I’m here. I’m also ashamed to say that it’s my first trip home, ever, that took me this long to visit my brother’s grave. Although the dead don’t care, it still felt neglectful of me. I have to admit, I’ll never get used to seeing my name on a grave stone. I often wish my parents would have consulted me, before including me there.

Now that I’ve put in an hour’s work and booked my flight home for the end of the week, I need to get to the nursing home to see my folks. With everything that happened yesterday, I didn’t get to make it in and they’re no doubt wondering where the fuck I am. Tonight will see me enjoy another meal with my aunt and uncle before starting again anew. Despite the calmness of everything, I’m surprised at the level of exhaustion I feel. I can’t wait to get back home. ☯️

Alright, so it looks like I’m basically posting this shit daily, which wasn’t my plan but what else am I supposed to do while eating breakfast??? I spent my second night in my mother’s ver empty apartment, which means I have nothing but my phone without so-fi for entertainment, which is not ideal. But anyhoo, on with the update…

Shortly after posting yesterday, I spent a couple of hours with my aunt and uncle, who have been helping worth getting everything set up and organized for my mother, They’re honestly a fuckin’ god-send as I don’t know how all of this would get accomplished without them.we discussed a variety of matters and talked about worse-case scenarios, as well as my father’s behaviour towards my mother, which has apparently not been good.

In the afternoon, I finally made my way to the care home to see my parents. To say it was an emotional visit would be like saying water is wet. My mother was bantering at the nurses station when I showed up and the look on her face was haunting. She slowly walked towards me and held her hands over her face as though she hadn’t seen me in years. She burst into tears and practically fell into my arms and wept. It was difficult to see and since I’m not exactly a great “emotions” guy, it was difficult to process and feel.

She gently held my hand as we walked, intent on bringing me to my father, even though he usually naps during the afternoons. My father was lying down but wasn’t asleep. His state of mind was not much better. It seems that in all his red-haired glory, my father has become an aggressive and mean person. The way he was speaking to my mother struck me as a surprise and although I often enjoy some gentle ribbing with my wife, is a way I promised myself yesterday I would NEVER speak to her.

My visit lasted a couple of hours, with another uncle visiting and firing my father up by discussing politics and taxes. Certainly could have done without that. My mother was oblivious to most things and appeared to confuse facts, memories and even people, often referring o me as my deceased brother. Before my departure, my father asked me to find him a replacement remote control for his television, which will be part of my mission for today.

My evening was spent struggling to find a meal, since the only decent restaurant in town appears to have permanently closed, I finally conceded the fact that I would be dining on convenience store snacks for the evening, lest I chose to drive 20 to 30 minutes to the next town. I was lucky as it turns out that this particular convenience store has a Subway inside of it, so I managed to eat decently, albeit in an empty apartment.

Once I finished my fine dining, my task of the evening was to go through personal effects and deciding what t keep, what to donate and what would stay. I went through scores of photos, albums and keepsakes, some of which brought a smile while others brought on tears. It was made all the more problematic when I found photos of an unfortunate practice my mother observed, which involved taking photos of my brother in his casket during his funeral. Like a bad PTSD flashback, it brought all the grieving-based memories and emotions bubbling back from over 30 years ago.

Today, I started by attempting to cancel my mother’s driver’s license and next steps will involve selling her car and donating her kitchen wares. I’m slated to have dinner with my uncle tonight, which will be nice and will save me the trouble of finding food. Although it seems as though there isn’t a great deal for me to do, it involves a lot of work, which is fast filling up my calendar for the week. This includes the odd visit with friends who are still in the area, including Sensei and his son.

It’s only been two days but this is proving to be emotionally difficult and draining. We all get there and someday, I will likely need someone to take steps and care for me the way my mother is set up. But considering I spent my entire life with her being the head of the family, taking care of everything and everyone in it, seeing her in a diminished capacity with the leadership of my family unceremoniously thrust upon me has been harshest of all. ☯️

Well, here we are, folks! I arrived in my old home town last night at about 10 pm local time. My travels were reasonable uneventful, with the exception of the second leg of my flight where we hit turbulence that saw our plane shift and drop dramatically. This was followed by a “reminder” from the flight crew to take note of our nearest exit in the event of an evacuation. Way to make people scared, you bunch of assholes! But I digress… Our arrival was worsened by the fact that despite being boasted as an international airport, the Greater Moncton International Airport apparently only had one arrival port and one ground crew.

After waiting for about 30 minutes on the tarmac, we were finally able to disembark and I made my way over to the car rental counter. Much to my surprise and to the contrary of what I believed, I hadn’t prepaid for my week’s rental. Fantastic. I was cold, tired and spent from my travels but I still had a 3-hour drive to reach the north shore and my home town. BY the time I arrived, the town was dark and foreboding with only the mildest hint of the rough Atlantic waters rushing and crashing off to my right. I got away with a quick stop at a local gas station for a few energy drinks and sugar-free gatorades.

My first night in my mother’s old apartment was disturbing. It was empty, both physically and metaphorically. With my mother now in the care of the nursing home and the majority of her furniture gone, I was left in a cold, barren room to stray and sleep as the older gentleman above the bedroom felt it necessary to stomp around his apartment as though he were still in the war and marching pin formation. I managed to get about two or three hours’ sleep before I awoke to my alarm and began assessing my activities for the day.

My uncles actually did an amazing job art downsizing and getting rid of the majority of things within the apartment. With the exception of a couple of arm chairs and bedside tables, the remainder is all the kitchen equipment, which I’ll need to assess and decide what to do with. The rest is personal photos, paperwork and documents that I’ll need to go through and decide what to keep and what not. It’ll certainly fill my week, in combination with taking time to visit with my folks, of course.

I won’t try to inundate you with photos and they honestly wound’s do the scenery justice, in any event. It’s hard to express the emotions that being back home evoke. The ocean, the mountains, the salty air and the ambiance… It ellicits memories of a simpler time, when my father could walk, my mother still had full mental capacity and my brother was still alive. A time before the shredded remnants of my family included both parents in a nursing home, my brother in a grave and me; the last one standing to try and hold all the remaining pieces together,

It’s going to be a pretty somber week and I’ll try not to bum all my readers out throughout the week as I post about all of this. But the reality is that there is a lesson to learn about everything in life, even the negative. It’s gleaning those lessons and taking them with us, moving forward, that makes the difference between suffering through the bad times, or growing and motivating ourselves TOWARDS the better times. Food for thought… ☯️

Buckle up, folks! It’s gonna be one of those series of posts where I walk you through my travels. Unlike my usual process, where I post about the previous day as I go, I will be posting on the morning of, and not necessarily every day. A true fact of life is that eventually we reach a point where life begins to take away more than it gives. This is inevitable and we all get there. Like the passing of the seasons where a tree eventually sheds its leaves to make way for something new in the spring, the process of life can’t be denied.

Lately, it almost feels as though life has been doing everything to knock me in the danglers. Not only has the Canada Revenue Agency identified an error a certain green-themed tax prep company made on my tax return, resulting in my owing a significant amount of money back to the government, i recently managed to slice open my thumb with a chef’s knife, resulting in four stitches and the limited use of my thumb for the next few weeks. And if all of that, on top of my daily work-related duties and familial duties, my mother has recently lost a significant portion of her mental clarity, leaving her in need to constant care.

That brings us to today… I’m currently sitting in the secure area of the Regina International Airport, patiently awaiting the boarding of my flight, which will take me back to New Brunswick for the following week to go settle up my mother’s affairs. I thank the light for the assistance of S family members back home, who were able to facilitate having my mother admitted into the same nursing home as my father so that they could be together. Over the course of the next week, I will be dealing with my mother’s personal effects, including but not limited to selling her vehicle and trying to sort through what needs to be shipped to Saskatchewan or what I’ll drag back with me in a suitcase.

This trip will also be a unique opportunity to spend some time with my parents, as I’m arriving in a rare instance where the nursing home has no visitation conditions due to COVID-19, nor is there a time limit. This means that for the first time in several years, I’ll be able to spend time with my father without interruption. We usually go through life while rarely considering the issues that will begin to emerge towards the end of it. I became significantly aware of this when I was called on Thursday about my father falling out of bed. Apparently, this happens quite frequently and the protocol is to call an immediate family member to advise them, even if no injury has occurred.

Without taking a throne or staking a claim, I have somehow become the patriarch of my family. The pressures and responsibilities this carries are not lost on me, and makes me worry about the future, both familial and financial, given that this likely won’t be the last rushed trip to New Brunswick in my near future. This trip will be bitter-sweet; the opportunity o see friends and family while simultaneously trying to deal with two parents of limited function and mental capacity. Never one to lose an opportunity, I’ll be curious to see what lessons life will provide over the course of the next week. I’ll keep y’all posted… ☯️