Kids Say The Darndest Things…

As the title says, kids say the darnedest things…. I may have heard that a time or two, especially from my parents when I was a child. Considering some of the things that have come out of my children’s mouths over the years, I can believe that they come by it honestly.

What’s important to remember when raising children is that even when you think they AREN’T listening, they’re absorbing every damn word you utter…. And they use it in their own special, unique way. Kind of like the time that Nathan was playing with some action figures while we were taking a drive and he says, “Take that, juice-bag…”. It dawned on me that he meant “douche bag” but heard it as something else. It makes for some unique comedy…

It gets all the more entertaining if you find yourself in an environment where you can observe and listen to many children at once. It’s almost as thought they feed off each other and come up with the funniest shit. On Saturday morning, I decided to bring Nathan to a public park. It was a pretty large one, with multiple play structures and climbing surfaces. Several dozen children and their parents had the same idea as we did.

And since I was able to just sit there and watch Nathan playing, I was able to focus my attention on some of the funnier things I heard and document them. These are all from our outing last Saturday, and some are also from the parents. Without further ado, here are the top 10 funniest things I overheard at the park:

1. “It’s important to love yourself as you are, but you’re a little TOO big, mom…”. This one gave me a kick because the young girl in question seemed to be balancing body positivity with the reality that obesity is a serious issue. Or maybe she was just being subtle about the fact her mom wouldn’t make a good partner on the see-saw…. I don’t know, I was listening but not looking;
2. “Why are you always telling me to take a drink, but always telling mommy to STOP drinking?” I’ll admit that this one made me laugh out loud, despite the potential context. I don’t know what the guy’s backstory is, but I can’t help but feel this little girl has overheard things the dad likely didn’t want her to;
3. “I had one of those things…. You know, a fart you can grab onto!” I groaned inwardly at this one, despite the laugh I had. Considering Nathan has “gifted” me with a number of fecal-based little surprises at the worst times over the years, I can certainly relate to the emotions the parent was no doubt holding in;
4. “Yes, I hurt myself. But I’m still awake and I remember my name so I’ll just keep on playing…”. Honestly, this one impressed me. This kid knows where it’s at and recognizes the signs of serious injury. Hopefully, the parent will explain that these aren’t the only symptoms of serious injury, but this seems like a smart kid, nonetheless;
5. “This is like a really bad night club, except with less drugs and alcohol…”. This was actually one parent talking to another, while trying to find her child. HER comment elicited a laugh, but the other parent’s comment made me take pause. The other parent said, “Speak for yourself!”
6. “If you’d pull your own weight around here, this park would be way more fun…” I think this kid was talking to another kid. Maybe the second one wasn’t playing as enthusiastically as the first one wanted. At least I HOPE it was another kid. Light help Nathan, if he ever hit me up with a comment like this;
7. “Try it and I’ll drop you…”. This one actually involved Nathan, so I had to step in. Nathan was playing on a strange sort of spinning structure, where you push it and it spins. Nathan was pushing it for another boy who was sprawled on the spinning part and Nathan teased that he would “smack his butt.” Setting aside the fact my 6-year old son seems inclined to touch another kid’s posterior for a moment, I was somewhat taken aback at the ferocity behind the other kid’s response. Luckily, I was able to explain to Nathan WHY it isn’t a good idea to offer to “smack” someone else’s butt;
8. “We’ve been playing for a while and it’s quite warm out. The last thing I need is your butt in my face…”. Another one that made me laugh out loud. Truthfully, kids always seem to think butts are funny. That’s nothing new. But this seemed to be two girls who were climbing a play structure and the one at the rear (pun fully intended) seemed to know the score as it relates to her friend who was ahead of her;
9. “Why are we leaving? I don’t remember saying I was hungry…”. This came out of Nathan when I mentioned it was time to go. Little bastard. It was almost 1 p.m. and I was starving. He had eaten a bear claw about an hour prior and he had access to water and a public washroom, so his world was good; and
10. “I hates this place! Peoples are bullshit!!!” This kid was melting down and crying loud, being carried out of the park as we left. And no, those aren’t typos; he was pronouncing those words exactly as I wrote them. It was a combination of hilarious and cute. This one was definitely my favourite, which is why I saved it for last. Peoples are bullshit. Classic.

There you have it; the top 10 funniest things I overheard at the park. Not exactly the educational or philosophical post I would usually put out. But once in a while, you need to just stop and smell the roses and acknowledge that life is funny. Especially if you stop and take time to listen. Kids can be a handful, but in the right context, those little drunken midgets are also hilarious. ☯️