The title is actually a very old phrase, apparently originating centuries ago. It demonstrates the unique irony that people will often neglect their own needs and desires while trying to help or take care of others. This line of thinking was not lost on me last night, as I sat quietly sipping a cup of tea while watching some short comedy clips on my phone in a local coffee shop. I was there for barely an hour. But the time there paid dividends in improving my mood, increasing my calm and allowing me to reset after what had been another shitty day in an otherwise overall shitty week. And this has been a shorter week, by virtue of Monday having been a statutory holiday. So just imagine, if I had the fifth work day to contend with? But I digress…
Modern adult life holds so many requirements, that most don’t necessarily realize the toll it takes on them. Often masking their pain and stress with vices such as alcohol, gambling, or any other combination of bad habits, people usually just try to get through their days as best they can. But if one were to stop and truly take stock of everything they need to do within a calendar month in order to hold their households together, the list would look pretty daunting and overwhelming. Taking care of one’s home, shopping for groceries and other household necessities, chores around the house, taking care of one’s children, prepping meals… The list can go on and on. I’ve become more fervently aware of all of these as I have been using a very useful little app in recent months called “Errands.” It’s a straightforward app that I installed on my iPad. It allows me to list and schedule all the errands and tasks I need to undertake, including by specific breakdown (home versus work, an outside errand, appointment, etc). Need to fuel up the car on my way home? Put it on the list. Traveling to Saskatoon for my eye injections? Put it on the list, as well as items to book my hotel room, pack my overnight bag and refill prescriptions.
While the app has been extremely handy in helping me to recognize what’s needed to be done around the house, its also helped me to recognize the daunting weight I carry when it comes to taking care of everything. Some of this has come full circle for me, with the recent decision to commit two nights a week to karate training within my home. Placing a repeating reminder in my Errands app, every Tuesday and Thursday sees me earmarked for karate training. Obviously, it would be easier if I were training outside the house. After all, it’s harder for the daily grind of life to catch you when you’re in an outside dojo. But training at home can be difficult. Last Thursday, I got home with full intentions of jumping into a gi and having an hour or two of solid karate training. Then, my oldest came downstairs to get my help with something. Okay, fair enough. While I was setting up, he came downstairs a second time. This time, his younger brother was hovering around the top of the steps; a habit he usually has, since he enjoys following his brother around. I dismissed him and explained I would be doing karate shortly and needed some alone time. Ten minutes later and before I had even started, he came downstairs to use the shower. His brother followed and was now underfoot. Karate didn’t happen.
This tends to be the recurring trend, with this past Tuesday seeing me working until late hours, resulting in fatigue that saw me crash once I was finally able to log off from work. The resulting effect is eventual burnout, and I’m headed there. So when I say that sitting quietly at a table in a coffee shop sipping on a cup of tea, Earl grey, hot (Picard reference), is a necessity, I don’t mean it lightly. I mean it literally. The hour I spend alone decompressing allows me to refocus my energies and provide for my family with less of a danger of burning out or losing my shit on them while I try to do so. Most people don’t recognize this need. And while I have trained for years to meditate and use it as a tool to promote my own inner-self and wellbeing, trying to meditate in a household with two young children carries the same risks as when I try to practice karate. While typical workouts like weight training or working out on the punching bag aren’t really affected if a little one comes pestering, being interrupted in the middle of a kata is damaging to one’s overall martial arts training.
That’s why it is most critically important to take time for oneself. And there are plenty of options. For me, and during the warmer summer months, I enjoy sitting in my open garage with a cigar and listening to music or watching comedy videos. Laughing is good for the soul. Maybe your downtime includes sitting quietly in a coffee shop reading an old school book, or taking a walk around the lake. It inherently doesn’t matter what you do, provided you do it outside the house so you aren’t interrupted and it’s something solely for you. When explaining this to your family, there’s nothing wrong with making it clear that for the next hour, you’re unavailable for anything that isn’t an emergency. That you love them but unless the house is on fire or someone is injured, you should be called or texted until you give the all-clear. So many relationships that end badly could have been salvaged or better held, had the people in those relationships acknowledged and respected this need. It isn’t selfish. It’s needed. Your feet also need shoes. Everybody’s does. Food for thought… ☯️
The Blogging Buddhist 