If I Go To Hell, I Won’t Go Hungry…

Every culture and person has their own conception of hell, whether drawn from descriptions in Holy scriptures or from cultural beliefs and even mainstream media. Some cultures even have multiple hells or different levels thereof. But some people will often joke about how some situations or tangible locations would be their own personal hell. For me, that place would be Costco. If I died and went to hell, I’m pretty confident I’d land squarely in the middle of a fucking Costco. Allow me to explain…

First, I should probably clarify that i don’t actually hate Costco. In fact, I very much love Costco. A can of energy drink that retails at $3.69 at the corner store for $1.40 instead? Yes, please! And it isn’t always the lower cost on an item, since some of their prices are no better and in some cases higher, than other retail locations. But the fact you can get some of that stuff in bulk is also a significant draw, and usually results in my filling my cart with a few hundred dollars’ worth of items when I only intended on grabbing a couple of small things.

No, the issue I have with going there is the people who shop. I altered my work schedule recently in order to make an unplanned trip out to our city’s only Costco location. I got off of work early and drove out, thinking that since the work day hadn’t ended for most people yet, it should be pretty quiet. Boy, was I wrong. The place was packed, which usually triggers a whole bunch of acronyms in my behaviour, not least of which is the fact that I dislike being held up by large crowds and being surrounded.

My journey began with a walk through the liquor portion of the warehouse. In a hilarious irony, someone was providing free samples of beer. I accepted a half ounce of cerveza, which was delicious and light. I thought my shopping trip would be smooth and easy. Problematically, people who shop there always seem to move like a decomposing zombie horde, moving with the kind of speed the one would expect to see a snail, tree sap or a tax refund move at. And this is the part that drives me batty because for the most part, even when I don’t know what I’m in there for, which is pretty rare, I move briskly and get through the store in due time.

Meanwhile, everyone else leans on the handle of their cart, moving about slowly, casually glancing about and acting as though they can’t see me even when I ‘ahem’ and cough loudly next to them. I especially love the ones that are blocking the way through a certain area and staring at a single item for a full two minutes. Dude, either grab the item or don’t and get the fuck out of the way!!! Seems like a pretty simply concept, right? And then we even make eye contact, they see someone waiting to get by and they just turn away and keep gawking.

Having me navigate the shopping warehouse is not without its comedy for anyone who may be watching or who knows me. That’s why I said if I go to hell, I wouldn’t go hungry. There’s tons of food there. But I can see hell being something where I’m trapped in a crowd of slow-moving people who refuse to hurry up or get out of the way. The good news is a got a couple of flats of energy drinks at an incredibly reduced price, so it made the journey worth it. ☯️